Thursday, April 17, 2014

ten months old

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...and you know what you want and exactly how to get it. Your top two teeth have just popped out, understandably, you've been rather moody and clingy. You only want to be in your mama’s arms which is exhausting but so awesome at the same time because you’re not normally a snuggle bug. I cherrish those moments where you fall asleep in my arms or rest your head on my chest for a few moments, they don't happen often but when they do my baby girl, I feel so utterly full... Full of love, full of life, full of blessings, full as in there is zero missing in my life. It does hurt your papa’s feelings when he comes to get you and you cling to me for dear life and cry. Give the dude a break, he’s you’re biggest fan! You’re crawling! Woohoo! Kinda… those darn wooden floors are a right hindrance because you can’t get any grip and slip and slide all over the show. Even though you have a rubber mat, you quickly scoot off of it and onto the slippy floor resulting in a great deal of frustration. Because of this, I think you will be walking quite soon. You pull yourself up on everything and fall down a lot. So many bumped heads. You bashed your top gum on the side of mama’s bed the other day and you already sensitive sore gums bled a little. Can I just say, seeing your baby bleed is one of the worst things EVER! Poor little Nu, such a frustrating time. Yesterday we were playing by the TV unit, you were standing on my leg and playing with all the odds and ends in the shelves. Then you reached for the TV and I said "NO" which you promtly turned you face to me smiled, leaned into me and opened your mouth for kisses. Of course I obliged, what person could say no to that kinda cuteness. Kiss, kiss, kiss. Elicting lovely little cheeky giggles, like you had me exactly where you wanted me. Then that little hand reached for the TV again. "NO." I said. And so the game continued...

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Your favorite toy is your textures book, you make a beeline for it whenever we sit down to play, grab it and climb into my lap so I can read it to you once over, you touching and rubbing all the textures as we go, then you page back and forth and back and forth through the pages about 20 times before your discard it. It’s so lovely and I really do hope that you inherit my great love of reading. You also really dig your Maude the Cheecky Monkey, I make her sing and dance and you shriek with joy and little giggles then grab him and hug him so tight to your little body. Bless. Some latest little quirks are sticking your tongue out ever so gingerly to taste the first bite of every meal, if you approve you open wide. You form your mouth into the a little “O” and go “WHOOOO” at everything. You also whisper whistle and when you get a real whistle you look up in total surprise, like “where the hell did that come from”! It's pretty funny. Oh and you click your tongue all the time. Practicing little equestrian? Here’s hoping. You sleep so well BUT only in our bed… this leaves mama and papa with very stiff necks. You wriggle and worm and kick me in the face a lot but when you roll into me for a cuddle it makes it all so worth it. When papa was away last weekend we had the bed all to ourselves. At about 3AM you woke and decide it was time to play, climbing all over me and "WHOO-ing" and clicking that tongue. I just ignore you and drifted off to sleep. I woke about five minutues later and found you in a sitting position but with your face between you knees - PASSED OUT! I had a good chuckle. We are however researching Sleep Training for when those gums aren’t sore anymore, then it’s in your bed little madam. Fingers crossed. Your favourite foods are salami, pears, carrots, yoghurt and BILTONG! Gosh, a stick of biltong keeps you occupied for ages! All I can say my baby is keep the cuteness coming! I adore every minute of every hour of everyday I get to spend with you. We love you fancy face.

Wednesday, February 5, 2014

remembering. (the next two weeks)

this was the week your nana and uncle daniel left us and went back home... i cried like i was loosing something so important. and i was. she cried too. we said it was so unfair! a girl should have her mom right next door, in the next bedroom, when she has her first baby. a girl needs her mom when she has her first baby. sad. heartbreaking. but what i remember even more, was one rainy evening, we were waiting for your dad to come and fetch us from uncle stu's. i was winding you and you smiled and then blessed our ears with the sweetest little giggle. it was awe-some my little love. i whipped my head around to look at your nana and ask if that was wind? she said that it probably was and that one can't really ever be sure but to look at how your little smile touched your eyes. i believe it was your first magical little giggle. yes.  photo 1_zps8e834ecf.jpg for our very first outing as a family we attended the i heart market. everyone ooh'ed and aah'ed (as they always do) but i will never forget introducing you to uncle max from saviour brand co. he said that we were very brave to bring you out and promptly dissolved into a puddle of goo once he caught a glimpse of you. you kinda dig him and that's weird cause the only dudes you really like are your papa and the uncles... uncle max is going to make you soft leather and swede moccasins. you shall be his model ♥ and we shall spread his story around like wild fire because it is one of true inspiration.  photo 2_zps5a8bc0e9.jpg  photo 3_zpsa81bed93.jpg  photo 4_zps8b54aa33.jpg just look at how teeny tiny you were! you're papa was winding you in this photo. winding, winding, winding. it's a never ending story and damn hard work when babies are still so new. it takes forever sometimes and that makes you second guess yourself all the time, 'am i doing this right?". i swear it felt as if that was all we ever did. i would say the stand alone negative (if you could even call it that) of a newborn/new-parent.  photo 5_zps0792d68b.jpg  photo 6_zps82bd3f95.jpg this photo of you with you little lips pursed and your tongue poking out is my absolute favorite newborn lila bear face! you would do it after feeding. i would sit and watch you, waiting for you to purse those little lips and roll that little tongue until it poked through. defo a highlight. poor jack was feeling a bit neglected because i wouldn't let him on the bed any more. sometimes i caved... i adore the photo above of him starring out the window at the rain. he almost looks forlorn.   photo 7_zpsa7635527.jpg
i adored letting you fall asleep on my chest. it was one of the million questions i asked my mama, is this okay? am i setting up a bad habit? her answer was, no, definitely not. if that's what you want and feel you need to do then do it. you totally vommed all over your papa while snuggled up like a little baby kangaroo in the mama (papa) kangaroo's pouch. it was super funny! and we have this sweet photograph to always remind us, never get to comfortable and to always expect the unexpected. haha! photo 8_zps6b8a56cc.jpg time passes way too fast! one month old already?! i love taking photo's of you baby bear. you are my muse. i dunno how much you like being the model, especially now you're older, but it sure brings a great deal of enjoyment to your mama's heart. so thanks my little. i love you.  photo 9_zps577dad18.jpg

Tuesday, February 4, 2014

write it down. remember. (her first two weeks)

although i do not believe i will ever forget. especially how tiny you were. this is me attempting to get back into regular posting so i can remember the little things. the photo below was taken the morning after our first night home. the original & her sister make me laugh so hard because it is nothing like the soft beautiful adorableness you see before your eyes. no. your fathers eyes are all black shadows that scream of the anxiety filled one hour of sleep that all new mama and papas live through their first night home. alone. what did we get ourselves into??? aaahahaha! let's just say we were afraid. the amazing thing is how easyly you find your feet, not that it feels like it at all. photo 1_zpsf4593cd8.jpg your dad climbing the steps to our home with you for the very first time. you at one week old after your very first bath at home.captioned "my heart ♥"  those words awaken the memory of how i felt. i was so very full and happy. photo 2_zps8353b81b.jpg you. congratulations on your arrival. mama bear in awe of her baby bear.  photo 3_zpsef61e3c8.jpg sleeping at stu's while we visited your nan and the view from the balcony.  photo 4_zps7cf67d83.jpg two whole weeks old! you slept a lot. i know that i learned a valued lesson about nipple cream this week. an excruciating lesson. please new moms, don not apply regularly! all you do is set yourself up for very soft and exceptionally sensitive nips, you have to toughen those bad boys up. worst day and a half of my life. photo 5_zps4cd880d3.jpg
we did a little diy newborn shoot. it was fun and we got some nice family photos out of it. you were (as always) exceptionally well behaved. you peed on me only once and slept through most of it. even a few outfit changes. oh how things have changed... we were actually watching videos of you when you were this new the other night and were laughing at ourselves for being so neurotic! we were all "hold still baby!" baby that literally moved in slow motion... ahahaha! if only us then could see us now. pros my little homie. pros. photo 6_zps373cda7a.jpg  photo 7_zpscac4308b.jpg  photo 8_zpsc8efb22a.jpg

Sunday, October 6, 2013

lila bear

next monday, lila will be four beautiful months old. i now feel ready to tell (not to mention have a few hours to invest in) her story. well the beginning of it at least. and yes, this is how long it takes to get your bearings/find your feet/settle into your stride. seriously. for me anyway.

so this was me in my last month of pregnancy.
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this was my hospital bag.
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this was the day!!!
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i was calm. weirdly calm. not unusual for me when faced with a situation where extreme nervousness and excitement should normally be experienced. a calm rushes over me. it's so strange. i've experienced this exact calm only once before, on my wedding day. could it be the pregnancy to blame? who knows...

we packed ourselves into the car, went to pick up my mom from my uncles & stopped off at woolies to load up on last minute goodies.

next, the hospital.

i was very lucky, the ward was quite full so they put me in a private room. i got into my hospital issue gown and lay on the bed. the nurse hooked me up to a machine that monitored the babies heart rate  and as always i felt that tiny surge of emotion wash through my body like a wave, as it had done every time previously. The nurse then proceeded to run through what seemed a gazillion questions. i wanted things to really start happening already. i was starting to get impatient. the anesthetist stopped in to ask more freaking questions. he was soooo incredibly lovely. he introduced himself as bruce. my mom even said that she'd never met a doctor with such an amazing bedside manner. after the battery of questions we sat in my room making small talk. waiting. waiting. but not for to long because soon enough it was eleven o'clock and gary and i were being escorted to theater. we stopped off in, what i would later find out to be recovery, and were shown a seat. the nurse disappeared and returned with an extremely warm, fresh from the dryer blanket, which she wrapped around my shoulders. it was like being hugged by the sun... gary was given his purple scrubs and changed into them. this is where i started to feel the nervousness and excitement creep in.

the nurse came back and called our names, they were ready for us. oh my gosh, i had to pee! this was one aspect of pregnancy i was not going to miss, peeing every 5 minutes. after a quick loo break i walked down the corridor with my hand in my husbands. i was nervous. nervous in my throat. they were going to stick needles in me and slice my belly open. nervous. but excited. because i was going to meet my baby in just a little while.

theater was cold. they warned me it would be. i remember wishing i had warn socks or slippers. dr bruce sat me on the bed/bench contraption and said he was going to open my gown and wash my back, he warned it would be cold and that he would then give me a locally anesthetic in the area he would be inserting the epidural needle. he would then ask me to hunch like he had explained earlier and that he would warn me before he inserted the needle into my epidural space. he told me that i would start to feel warn in my toes and that the warmth would spread up my body and that they would then lay me down.

i felt the cold gause rub up and down my back, i flinched away. he warned me for the local, i held still. it stung pretty badly. he asked me to hunch over. this is exceptionally uncomfortable and you have to hold that position for what feels like an age. it's here that white fear smashed into me and i remember pancing in my head "i can't do this! please, i'll push. i've changed my mind! can't you just live inside me forever little person?!"...

"take a deep breath in for me and exhale. now hold" and i heard the needle go in more than i actually felt it. and then there was the warmth in my toes. it flowed up my body. they lay me down and set up the curtain. dr bruce explained that gary should stay seated where he was and not venture passed the curtain because everything from there down was sterile. gary held my hand. we looked at each other. he was so nervous and excited. i felt so grateful to be the person to give this to him and vise versa. the most precious gift anyone can ever give another person.

the gyne came in with his assistant and the pead' and off they went. i felt sleepy and gary says i even dosed off for a second. next thing i know the gyne warned me that he was going to push. dr bruce told gary he could stand. i just remember watching my beautiful husbands face, the wonder and the the tears fighting with his smile. joy. and love.

and then she cried. i heard my baby girl for the very first time. her voice is still so clear in my mind. i felt exactly what i had watched on gary's face not moments ago.

it is love like no other. you think you know what being in love is but in actual fact you plain and simple don't. hearing, meeting, falling in love with this little human is the most intense love you will every experience. it is felt on a molecular level through every cell in your body. it also intensifies the love you feel for everything and everyone of any meaning in your life. if you have had children you will understand. if not, i hope you do someday because it should be felt and experienced by everyone. it's life altering.

drum roll please... world, meet lila bear. born june 14th, 2013 at one twenty seven pm by cesarean section. weighing in at 2.685kg and measuring 47cm from head to toe. i didn't want to have the a gooby photo of her in public but this photograph gary snapped is just too epic not share. i had an elective cesar for personal reasons. a last minute decision but the right one it turns out because at our 38 week check up we found that lila had stopped growing and had put on almost no weight. it was time.    photo 6_zps4b239295.jpg this was us all in love. they placed her in my arms for only a moment before they whipped her away. gary followed after her. i don't know how to put this so i'm just gonna say it. it was if i no longer existed and all that mattered in this world was her. and it didn't matter because i felt was the same way. it made me love gary even deeper to know that we shared those same feelings.  photo 5_zps6ca96aff.jpg
dr bruce sat and chatted with me the whole time they were stitching me up. did you know they have to get through ten layers? mad, right? he patted my shoulder and wished me well. they wheeled me to recovery where they monitored me for a little while before wheeling me back to my room.

i waited a long time for my baby. she was born a little on the small side with low blood sugar, high blood pressure and something called "wet lung". Quite a common condition amongst cesar babies. she had to be under the lights for a while to warm up and so they could monitor her. once she was stable the brought her to me. it was the longest three and a half hours of my life! i felt so helpless lying in my hospital bed with a pair of legs i could not feel or move. all i wanted was my baby.

and then they wheeled her in. i latched her for the first time with the help of a nurse and so the most epic adventure of my life began.

i thank God everyday for you lila bear. you are my heart. my life. my everything.
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Friday, June 14, 2013

just the two of us... no for long!

it's a sad thought, a matter of hours before it's no longer just him and me. it's the closing of a most awesome chapter in our lives... for over ten years we have been this inseparable couple and in mere hours we will be forever responsible for the raising and shaping of another little being, mind, soul... can you say exploding brains all over the monitor? every decision made will be done with her in mind. don't get me wrong, i'm dead excited and have been waiting my whole life to be a mama. a mama to gary, my best friend, my lover, my home, my husbands' baby. i love you harry! something crazy. you're going to be an amazing father and i'm not just saying that because i adore you. i love that you will be our babies best friend because you're a great big kid yourself. i love the way your face lights up when we walk into a toy store and the way you drag me around each isle to point out all the "flippen aaahhhsem toys" you're gonna buy you're little girl. even the barbies. i love that you work so hard and have accomplished so much in your short working career (before your 30th birthday!) to provide for me and enable my my biggest dream in life, to become a mama. i am so crazy proud of you! and am honored to have been the woman you chose to fall in love with, marry & now grow your/our little person. she's gonna be awesome! here's to three my handsome ♥ today is the day we meet our little creation! how flippen exciting?!  photo 1-11_zps98849d77.jpg

Thursday, June 13, 2013

for our baby bear

we did it! we finished her nursery section (well, aahem, aahem, if you exclude the un-stripped dresser, which i intend on having professionally done. that lattice is murder). i'm am one happy mama, that's for sure. it came out so pretty and fresh and bright. not baby-baby but neutral, something we can develop and change to her taste, together, as she grows. all that's missing, beside our little bundle, is the oh so incredible bespoke, handmade ceramic bear nightlight from her nana. it arrives today with said nana. just in time for our little bundles arrival tomorrow! eeek and squeak homies!!! one more sleep... photo 64_zps155dab60.jpg

thrity eight weeks

and we can officially say that we are going to meet our little tomorrow!!! dude! can you say rad?!  photo 1-11_zps23917405.jpg